A research was done by a psychologist John Gottman, a marriage counselor from US. He is known to be able to speculate with 91% of accuracy which couple that would end up getting split.
He called it 4 Reasons of Splitting – including some communication problems those 4 reasons are Critics (“You always complaining.”), Dissatisfaction (“You are a mess.”), Defensive (“I am not the problem, you are!”) and Building Wall (being introvert or deciding to stay silent). Other problems are including starting a conversation with harsh and accusing tone, showing defensive or cold body language, flooding your partner with negativity and bringing up the old story, complaints and wounds.
It doesn’t mean that the mistakes are always in the side of men – or they more become the problem compared to women. No group is innocent, no group is perfect. But most of the time, men in fact are hard to open themselves and support emotionally women they have in their life. Here are some reasons:
- Some men see a relationship like a game that involves winning and losing. When a woman confesses her feeling, she wins and the man loses. It is resulting to the men try to dominate and control women by saying that women are illogical, out of control or not understandable.
- Many men show their responses with sarcastic comments – underestimating, dissatisfying, criticizing and arrogant. A man thinks that sarcasm will quiet the woman or helping her to see that she is acting puzzlingly. The result is that the woman gets an impression that man is not only uncaring – but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks they are smart and funny – while the woman thinks that the man just doesn’t get it.
- Men think if they show or say something emotional to women, it will not be manly enough. “Do you want to be called homosexual?” they say. They believe that the role of men must be strong, and even domineering. Showing emotional feeling is only for weak men.
- For some men, listening to complaints or women’s words pisses them off that they should discharge the fury or choose to leave. In fact, according to the research, men’s heartbeat is getting faster when they are facing conflicts. The result of the heighten emotion – which they can’t tolerate – is they will tell women to be quiet – or leaving the place.
- Other reason for men to not show their feelings is that they believe if they listen to their partner’s talk, it will end up mostly to be complaints, which won’t stop coming out. So, they want to stop by using sarcasm, controlling, or pulling themselves out. The woman then feel that man doesn’t want to listen, so she goes somewhere else to get that support – another woman friend – or another man.
- Some men think that women have always to be rational and if they aren’t then it is intolerable. Men’s response when their partner not rational is by pointing every single mistakes in women’s thought, belittling it, being sarcastic or puling themselves out. In fact, it turns out that communication should be comforting, developing, connecting – and not merely giving information and being logical.
- All problems must be solved. Men think that the main reason to communicate is by sharing facts that later can be used to solve the problems. They think if it is merely letting out and sharing the feelings, the problem won’t be solved. So that if a woman seems not wanting to look out the problem and solve it, it means that she is wasting time, that when a man is giving choice to the problem solving, he will make her become more emotional because she felt she is not heard and reclusive.
Ask yourself, “Will these kinds of responses work?” Why these kinds of attitudes and belief become the reason of separation? When a relationship is not working out – you and partner know this – maybe this is the time to make changes. You can change your partner by splitting or separating. Or it will be easier if you just change your reaction and responses towards your partner.
The important basic of relationship is that we want to feel that our partner concerns and honors out feelings. We want to believe that they have time to listen. We want to be supported, calmed and convinced that we are not a burden. The seven facts above – that the men use – are just alienating the women who they said they love. If it’s not working, why would you continue to act this way?
The answer can be that because men see relationship from the point of view of power and control. They believe that men won’t lose or giving up their power. They believe that women must aware about their place, not be spoiled and must be taught how to think rationally and how to solve problem. Of course, rational and solving problem are important, but when your partner wants to be listened to and honored, it means that men should really listen and understand before they just jump and take over control. Real men share power. Real men are partners. Real men know that real women need real respect.